When someone asks me for the reasons as to why am so fond of babies, 

My answer will be;

“These little ones give me a sense of belonging, they elevate my self esteem. They talk in a language that makes us understand each other. They bond with me rather fast than any other bonding I have with anyone else. They always extend their ears to listen to all that is in my heart without being judgemental. Their smile are my softners deep down my soul. Their cute little arms and toes relieves me from my anxieties and panic attacks. That moment when we are in deep conversation, I find peace, the feeling of comfort yet never being completely comfortable with things just being good enough. And well, they serve as my best partners. 

It was on a Wednesday, 7th of November 2020 at around 11:40am when I first held him in my arms. His eyes were the color of deep sienna, with a mischievous glint that seemed to reflect the corners of his mouth. They were every shade of brown you could imagine, a raw umber and caramel mix, dotted with bits of dark chocolate, the similar one I use in baking. They glowed with humor and playfulness that gave me shivers and wrapped me in a warm embrace at the same time. There was so much purity in his gaze. The baby was all of me, the person I was born before culture had its say. I could feel the love, given and received and I knew in that moment, without a word said from my lips, that I love him.

And if a person poses a threat to harm him, then I would defend him with my life. 

Is it always this natural?

Our eyes locked and a smile plastered itself on my face. It was a beautiful feeling indeed. As hungry as he was, he kept on suckling non stop as if trying to tell me that the drops he had while in the womb made him yearn for a meal more and more. Soon after, he found himself peacefully in deep slumberland. 

How he held onto the tiny pillow reminded me of what my mother shared regarding my tender age. That is, in order to find sleep, I would hold onto my pillow tightly and started pulling it from every corner as if I were in a kung-fu movie. I would keep on practicising my moves and when I was finally drained, I hardly realised when I fell asleep.

Ps(A little secret, this habit is still embedded in me; shush… it’s a secret remember😄🙈)

Days went by and he became my essential priority. My day started and ended with him. 

Well, I still had to get done with Church History unit revision before the examination date. I earlier told myself that I would embark on it immediately after my first class, and yes, I actually did through group and online discussions, the zoom meetings we held with the likes of Rahma, Mwajuma, Hilda, Hamdan and Ismail among others. 

As time flew, the momentum kept on decreasing escpecially after the outbreak of Covid 19. Each day, I grew to become a procrastinator and when I did revise, it was as if I was trying to sieve salt in ocean water. So, when that moment made a grand entrance and examination bells started ringing from every end, the need to dig into understanding the entire concept was dire. “Well, Well, I shall never again procrastinate my revisions.” ( I hope by finally writing it down, it might eventually work🙄).

That moment when I was about to rest my head on the pillow and straighten my aching back, this little prince, it is like he had some instincts, woke up and started wailing as if he was ailing. So, I had to get off my bed and attend to him. 

“He’s gonna kill the baby!” 

A shout I heard when I was almost getting done dressing up. The lightning speed that carried my legs to the spot was similar to “The flash”. I had achieved great speed in a very short span of time. I found my other little darling with a baby bottle trying to force it in my son’s little mouth.

I pulled away the bottle and asked him politely,

“What are you doing love?”

“Baby is hungry, I was just feeding him… really… I did not hit him. Pinky promise.” (Insert the baby’s voice)

He responded back with a very remorseful and cute voice, head bent, fingers crossed and he was trying to align his juicy lower lip with the upper lip.

I held his hand, gave him a kiss on his forehead and told him,

“Honey, I believe you, just that next time, we will feed baby together…is it fine?”

He looked back, nodded with a smiley face then he took off looking for his ball.

I took my little angel, fed him and spent some quality bonding time with him.

Life had became so beautiful until when a calamity struck and left me in cross roads!

On Tuesday the 24th of November, 2020,  I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, did my supplication, made my family some tasty, yummy ginger tea. Later on, I went to check up on my darling only to find him struggling to breath! When I held him, it was as if I was drilling a nail into a wounded lion. His voice was slowly diminishing. He struggled opening his eyes and when he finally did, he never closed them. I gave him some water and he took a gulp. I reached out to my phone trying to make a call to (Reel with Nusrat); a Vetenarian but it was too late…death was at the doorstep😔. His time was at a halt. He took his last breath painfully at around 9:23am.

This hit me hard that indeed, ” Death is very painful!” His body lyed straight, eyes and mouth wide open!

I recollected myself, wiped his mouth and body gently, got a tiny piece of cloth, wrapped him up and held him using his blanket. I found a corner outside the house dug his tiny grave and laid him to rest. Tears kept rolling down uncontrollably. 

Baby, I will miss you so much. You showed me the reality and beauty of love. You helped me overcome my worries and soothed my heart with your sweet naughtiness. I will surely miss you hanging around me, taking your tiny steps towards me upon my arrival. You were my blessing and “Verily we belong to the Almighty, and Verily to Him do we return.”

You are the Apple of my eyes darling❤️🌹